Chapter 181: No Redemption
"H-How could you be so sure?"
"You’re smart, so you know already. The reason you came to me last night was out of anger because you finally escaped me, but yet you bear my phantom mark of what could have been."
"You went to the Fates," I said in realization.
"Of what could have been," he reprised with longing in his tone.
His hand covered his eyes, a smile on his lips like a taste of joy. "That alone gives me hope that maybe in another life I could have been your daydream."
My pulse raced. In another life... In another life, I could have been his. Those were words of a man who had accepted the truth and wasn’t afraid to face it.
His hand fell to his side. "I’ll hold onto that...for the rest of my days, that’s my happiness."
"Happiness?" I murmured.
"I never truly knew that... what it means to be happy... No love from my parents or anyone. As you said, Drevon found you and chose to make room, even when I found you, I was just too broken to do that too."
"Damon..."
"When I saw you lying in my arms, blood on my hands." He looked at them like they were smeared in crimson. "I realized no matter what, everything I touch will fade away. There’s no redemption for me."
I was about to say something, but he interjected.
"When Drevon gets back, he’ll take my heart. No doubt when he learns of this, he won’t let me live."
I had no idea why, but I got angry. "Did you come here to appeal to me? Knowing that when you tell me all this, I’d pity you? That is what this is. Do you honestly think I’d ever forgive you for what you did?"
The words felt like sand in my mouth, because I knew they weren’t true. It was terrifying how genuine he was, a raw feeling that blended with his soul.
His soul... I could feel it, and never have I seen anyone with such darkness where there was no hope for light.
Damon said nothing, simply smiling as he used his thumb to wipe the tears running down my face. "Don’t shed tears for someone like me, Lou. I’m not worth it."
"Shut up!" I hissed.
He stroked my cheek, eyes suddenly hollow. "If you had died, I’d have lived knowing I killed the woman I love. Maybe I wouldn’t have lived too long after it. But even in death, that guilt will be with me. My soul would have already known torment before it got to hell."
"Why are you talking like this?" I sobbed.
"I never claim to be a good person; I’m not. But having to destroy something so meaningful in my life..." He clenched his teeth. "I can never come back from that, nor could you. The least I can do is stop existing."
"You’re talking nonsense, don’t tell me you’ve finally grown a conscience. That’s not fair."
"May I ask one thing of you? May I kiss you?"
I swallowed thickly, and when he leaned close, I didn’t pull away. His lips brushed against mine in a delicate lock.
I closed my eyes as more tears slipped beneath my lashes, and like the wind, he was gone.
I placed my and on my mouth and cried, unable to stop the tears. My shoulder shook uncontrollably because it felt like my heart was being ripped open.
Then I knew why... why he wanted Drevon to kill him, it wasn’t out of guilt. The only way the phantom mark can be stopped is when he dies. He didn’t want me to be burdened with him, he wanted to stop existing for me.
"You idiot," I murmured, overcome by the weight of pain. His pain and mine.
"Your Majesty?"
I sobbed, quickly using the back of my hand to dry my tears, and faced Talia.
There was a sad look in her eyes.
"How much of that did you see?"
"I don’t know what you’re talking about," she deadpanned. "I saw nothing nor heard anything."
I sneered. "Good."
"I just got word, the Dowager wants to see you."
I nodded before taking deep breaths to collect myself.
~•~
I sat across from the Dowager. Judging from her foul mood, I knew she had heard the news, and I was waiting for her to disagree and yell.
But none of those would change anything. Sloane’s trial was set, and I had everything in my favor.
"I heard you have made the inner court, yours. Not their respect, but you made it your court. That was far from what we discussed."
I was expecting her to speak about Sloane, so this was unexpected.
"Yes, Mother."
"It’s not even up to the month time period I gave, and yet you have achieved so much in such a short time frame," she expressed proudly.
"I won the bet, the rest was a added bonus."
"Yes, it seems. You won, Eloise."
"I was expecting a bit more defiance about my victory. It’s rare to see you in agreement."
"Even this old woman knows when she’s beaten. You defeated me and everything I have ever known when you shared your vision with the noble ladies. I have forgotten about youth and how dreamful they can be; you used that to your advantage."
"Aside from the advantage, I thought of what can be beneficial to the empire, and changing the system is necessary."
She huffed. "You haven’t even had my teachings, and yet the way you speak is already terrifying. Years from now, I wonder what kind of things you will achieve. I don’t want to say this, but I fear you will become a self-made Alpha that rivals even me."
"I’ll take that as a compliment."
"Whatever pleases you." She signalled the handmaid to pour tea for me, but I stopped her before she could.
"Forgive me, mother, I’m still shaken by what happened. Best I avoid any tea for the meantime."
A frown took over her face like a storm. "I heard."