Chapter 271: The fart experiment.
It was rare to see people on the field after morning training. Everyone rushed off for breakfast or headed to work. The really lazy ones hurried back to bed. But this morning, in Fortress four, it was different.
Superhumans lounged alongside regular soldiers, their faces shimmering with sweat and smiles. Laughter accompanied the gathering of absurdity which was led by Philip Harg.
He was the one at the center of the gathering, standing with his hands on his waist. Ever since Philip heard something about people with superpowers shooting energy from their rear ends, he had been swearing to everyone that it was possible.
Finally, they were tired of listening to his crazy theories and ready to test the real thing.
Philip was the perfect idiot to test the theory. His reputation was chaotic and scandalous. Somehow, the man was also immune to embarrassment.
"Must we do this?" Major Elio grumbled.
Siegfried guffawed. "We have to. He bragged about shooting smoke from his mouth and proved he could do it. So, nothing is stopping him form shooting flames out of his----"
"Don’t say it," groaned Father Nicodemus. The priest spoke with spiritual exhaustion after having to deal with the potty mouthed soldiers all the time. "Don’t finish that sentence."
"Butt, father." Siegfried said politely. "I was going to say butt."
The field erupted in laughter.
Sunshine was listening from a distance with no clue what was going on. She had been about to go over when Ariel stopped her to discuss something they had talked about many times before: putting him in charge of the alcohol supply on the base.
"I am still saying no baby." She ruffled his hair.
Ariel blinked up at her, with his arms crossed on his chest. "But it needs managing. I am the supply manager on the base, you should not pick and chose what I manage."
"I am your mother and I say leave alcohol to the adults." She told him.
"You came home drunk." He raised two fingers. "Twice. As your responsible son, I have to cut off the source of the problem before you shock all the solar panels and plunge the base into darkness."
Sunshine sighed. "The first time was Dwayne’s fault and the second was your dad’s. Ariel...honey, I promise not to drink more than one glass of wine next time. I haven’t even touched that stuff since that day..." She grimaced.
"You mean the day when you tried to fart snowflakes because you were too drunk to behave appropriately?" He blinked.
Sunshine shushed him, looking around frantically. "It never happened. That is Lisha’s word against mine."
Laughter came from the crowd. Sunshine’s attention was drawn to them. She was too curious about what they were up to so she took Ariel’s hand and joined them.
"What are we missing?"
"Philip is going to fart a flame." Someone shared.
Sunshine gasped. "Like the beetles we fought?"
Elio nodded.
"Awesome." She fist bumped Nimo.
Ariel was very aghast. It was not awesome it was unsafe and probably unsanitary.
"Start the countdown." Hades shouted.
Ariel’s face fell further. He had not yet seen his father mixed in with the other crazies. Surely, there was something better for them all to do. "This is stupid." He said loudly.
Everyone turned and looked at him.
"It is science." Philip countered.
"No, it is stupid." Father Nicodemus agreed with Ariel.
The crowd thickened. Even the normally stoic Carson who treated Philip’s humor and pranks like a security threat wandered over with a smirk tugging on his lips.
Lisha followed him, panting because she had run to fetch a camera and marshmallows. Her goal was to see of they could roast them on that fart. Someday, when the apocalypse ended, maybe these memories would bring smiles to people’s faces. Or the recording could be turned into a blockbuster movie and make her a billionaire.
Philip had not anticipated the growing crowd. He looked around, arms crossed. "All of you are here to watch me fart fire!"
"Yes." Warren clapped his hands. "We did not see the ants but we have you."
"We need this." Morris added to Warren’s words.
"What we need...." Ariel started.
Sunshine shoved a marshmallow in his mouth before he could kill everyone’s joy.
She could not cover Father Nicodemus’s mouth however.
"It is a misuse of your God given talent." The priest looked skyward, as if hoping for divine intervention. There was no such thing, only watchers that had also gathered to witness the moment. They seemed to be even more curious than the humans.
"If I burn my pants who is replacing them?" Philip asked.
Twenty hands went up.
Philip sighed. "Fine, but if anything goes wrong, I am not responsible."
Major Elio urged the crowd to back away and give Philip space. Fire was an unpredictable element, especially when combined with the wind. If the flames took a wrong turn, someone’s skin would be scalded.
Lisha handed Father Nicodemus the marshmallows which were on sticks.
The priest sighed, released his wings and elevated above everyone.
Philip clenched his buttocks. Focused. His face twisted.
And then---
FWOOM
A burst of flame shot from his rear like Sunshine’s hiccupping of snowflakes. It was brief, not enough for the marshmallows to be roasted. The grass beneath Philip was singed.
People cackled while others cheered. Sunshine screamed like she was supporting her favorite soccer team.
"HE DID IT!" Siegfried screamed. "THE SON OF A BITCH DID IT."
Father Nicodemus levitated higher and spread his wings to the maximum. "That’s it, I am out of here." He said and flew away.
O’Toole fell to the ground, wiping tears from his eyes.
Nimo was wheezing, doubled over while grabbing onto Ariel’s jacket. Meanwhile, he was looking at her and everyone else that was excited with judgement.
Hades was levitating three feet off the ground, collecting money from those that had placed bets on how long the flame fart would last.
"Damn, we missed it." Someone shouted from behind.
Major Elio leaned towards Sunshine and whispered, "The watchers are laughing."
She looked up and saw the birds jumping on the bubble. Other than their feet, she could not see their faces.
Ariel tugged on her pants and she looked down. "Yes baby."
With a serious look on his face like he had aged ten more years within the last seconds, he said to her, "I just thought you should know that this is how Rome fell."
Sunshine raised her eyebrows. "Because someone farted fire!"
Ariel slapped his forehead and sighed. "Because they played too many silly games for entertainment."
Philip Harg shouted into the megaphone, "From now on, I will charge a fee to light your cigarettes. And I will charge a fee to put on this act. Also, my new name is Ignition."
"If I was your toilet, I would apply for a transfer right now." Hades said to Philip.
Nimo howled louder and she pulled Sunshine and Ariel down with her to the ground, laughing harder than she had ever laughed in her life.
Ariel stared at bubble, rejecting the marshmallow which was offered to him by his uncle Warren. He thought to himself that he would never eat a marshmallow again unless he saw personally what fire it had been roasted over.
"Are all the other bases crazy like this?" he whispered to himself.