Chapter 354: Its different when I ask you to spend time with me
"I... I wanted to fall sick." Ah, it’s indeed a confession to his childishness. "But it wasn’t so you would worry or cry for me." He coughed dryly and that hurt my heart. "The truth is... I wanted Jo-Pil to take care of me so much that I made sure my condition was severe till he got back. That’s why... Nothing worked. Please forgive me."
After hearing Seo-Jun say that, all I could feel was my heart beat thumping violently.
I thought I would be angry or upset once he confessed and confirmed my suspicion but I wasn’t.
I found him more pitiful instead.
This reminded me of how much warmth this guy lacked as a child and even when he was all grown up.
No amount of body heat reached during intercourse, and no amount of heat one could get from a hot bath could compare to the kind of warmth that he needed.
You know, affection, attention, care... Genuine care.
Those combined gave a special kind of warmth that could melt a person’s heart... In a good way and change their perspective of the world.
And this guy, he was lacking that warmth so much that he decided to use his sickness as an opportunity to claim more of it. More of me.
He knows I’m genuine towards him, and that I’m probably the only one who cares for him, so he... He...
Agh, screw it.
I held his face, looked him in the eyes... Those hazy and guilty eyes... And then said to him.
"If you wanted to spend so much time with me, you could’ve just said so."
But he shook his head, reaching for my hand, and then pressed it on his lips. His hot lips.
"It’s different." He said. "It’s different when I ask you to spend time with me and when you ’have’ to spend time with me cause I need you."
"And what’s so different?"
"It’s the urgency." He said, his voice sounding sharp like a blade and yet dull, full of shame.
He probably never imagined he would stoop to such a level just to get someone’s attention. He was Seo-Jun the great after all.
"But you didn’t have to go this far, did you? What if something went wrong and...?"
I didn’t even know what to say. It looked like he didn’t care how the outcome manifested, as long as I played into his tune and did what he wanted me to do.
He was a dangerous man, as expected, even wagering his own life for something like this.
I pressed my hand on my head. Ah, it was so hot. I think we need to prioritize getting his temperature down before anything else.
"Seo-Jun," I called softly yet my voice was laced with anxiety. "Can you not play with your life?"
"What’s the importance to my life anyway?" He asked and it jabbed my heart. What did he just say? "All this time, it felt like I’ve been living just because I need to live. Just because I can’t just die and leave everything behind. I’ve been living for the sake of living. A life I never wanted." His tone saddened. "So, what’s the big deal about losing this life if I can’t even get the one person that makes it meaningful?"
I was furious but I couldn’t do anything about it. Because what stood above that fury was pain.
My eyes welled up but I tried not to show it.
I didn’t want to show him that I was touched by his nonsensical and indecisive dismissal of his life’s value.
I didn’t want to feed his ego.
"You’re incorrigible," I mumbled and sniffed. "But yeah, I guess you’re right. What’s the point of living when you can’t have the one thing that gives your life value?"
"I’m glad you understand."
"Yes, I understand but it doesn’t mean I’m giving you thumbs up." I snapped at him. "I get that your life lost its meaning a long time ago but now that you’ve found that thing of value, the one that makes you want to keep living with meaning, can’t you try to at least value your life then? You say you did this because you don’t care what becomes of your life then..." Then what about me?
I pushed him down, my hands pressed on his shoulder, my grip tightening with every second that went by, and my teeth gnashing hard as if I planned to grind my teeth to dust.
"Does that mean you also don’t care about how I feel if you end up losing it? If you end up dead? That’s just you being selfish, you perverted bastard. And I don’t want to hear it any longer. Valuable or not, you’d better treasure this life you have now because if you dare take it for granted any longer, I... I..." I was lost for words and could only let the tears roll down. "I’ll give you a piece of my mind, you jerk."
Slowly, my tears rolled down and fell on his face.
I wasn’t even trying to hide it anymore.
"Can’t you just... Let me have a little peace of mind? Why do you want to torment me so?"
Seo-Jun was silent. He stared at me with eyes of disbelief, shock, like he was taken aback, but once he blinked, it was gone as his eyes softened and his lips curled up.
"It’s been such a long time since I got a scolding from you, Jo-Pil." He reached his hand towards my face and brushed my wet eyelids with his thumb. "I missed it."
This jerk... Why was he still joking at a time like this?
He was crazy.
"Jo-Pil," he called but I shut my eyes, refusing to answer him. And he called again, "Jo-Pil,"
His voice was soft and tender, almost heartbreaking.
What was it? What did he want from me when he couldn’t even take my words seriously?
"I’ll never take my life for granted." He suddenly said and I opened my eyes, looking at him in disbelief. "So, can you please not be mad at me anymore. I... I’m sorry."