Chapter 64: Not like that
Chapter 63
Ciel
I look at Jack, amused. My old "teacher" once told me that if you did well enough, you could get any alpha wrapped around your finger.
The memory makes me grimace. After I presented as an omega, my father made sure I was "educated." Not in science or literature, but in how to please, how to obey, how to turn myself into something useful.
While other kids were worrying about high school exams, I was being drilled in lessons I never wanted.
I hated it.
And yet looking at Jack now, flushed, smiling in a way that’s nothing but genuine it almost feels like there’s a silver lining.
"Back on planet earth yet?" I ask dryly, tucking him back into his joggers.
Jack exhales, a dazed grin tugging at his lips. "No. I’ve ascended."
I chuckle despite myself and crawl up until I’m nestled into his chest. His arm comes around me automatically, strong and grounding, and he presses a soft kiss against my forehead.
My eyes burn. He doesn’t know it, but it’s moments like this ordinary, gentle that piece together the fragments of my heart.
For a while we just breathe together. His warmth, the steady beat of his heart, Lanny’s faint gurgles in the other room—it’s almost enough to believe this world is kind. Almost.
"So," I murmur, voice muffled against him, "what happened between you and Nolan? Another argument?"
Jack’s arm stiffens around me. He flinches.
I pull back slightly to look at him. "Jack?"
He doesn’t meet my eyes. His gaze drops, jaw clenched tight. My own heartbeat stutters, panic flickering to life.
"Jack," I whisper, "what’s going on?"
My chest tightens. Fear crawls up my throat like ice.
"Sorry?" My voice cracks, raw. "For what?"
Jack’s jaw works, like he’s chewing on words too heavy to swallow. His arm stays around me, but his warmth feels distant, like it’s already slipping away.
"Ciel..." He says my name so softly it feels like a goodbye.
My stomach twists. No. No, please.
"You’re scaring me," I whisper.
Finally, his eyes lift to mine. They’re not cold—not distant—but agonized. That’s somehow worse.
"I love you," he says quietly. "I really, really do. I’m in love with you, Ciel. Extremely so."
The words should warm me. Today they land like stones in my chest.
"I’m so sorry."
"What’s this about?" My voice is barely a whisper now.
Jack exhales, as if walking toward the guillotine. "It’s about Nolan and me."
He takes my hand, but his grip trembles. "Nothing happened between us," he says, and then his voice cracks. "But I can’t say that either. I didn’t mean to hurt you. We’ve never crossed a physical line...but I won’t try to excuse myself. I was aware of what I was doing."
His thumb strokes over my knuckles, a nervous, guilty habit.
"Last night," he continues, "Nolan and I almost kissed."
"The worst part is...last night wasn’t the first time something like that almost happened. I know this must be devastating, a major breach of trust. I’m so sorry, Ciel. I don’t know why I would do that to you." His voice is rough now, breaking around the edges.
"I’ll respect whatever decision you make," he whispers. "I love you so much. I’m so sorry."
Relief hits me so hard it almost knocks the air from my lungs.
I’m just relieved he’s not breaking up with me.
"You’re not breaking up with me?" I ask , cautious, like the answer could shatter me.
"I don’t want to," he says firmly. "The choice is yours."
Something in my chest loosens, even as it bleeds. Relief. Fear. Love. All tangled into a mess I can’t begin to name.
I sag against him, forehead pressed to his shoulder, clinging harder than I probably should.
"You scared the living shit out of me," I mutter, the words muffled against his shirt.
"Uhm... sunshine?" His tone tilts uncertain, like he’s not sure he heard me right. "Did you miss the part where I said there was something going on between me and your best friend?"
"Oh, that." I shrug, tightening my grip instead of letting go. "That’s fine."
Jack stiffens. His hands come up to my shoulders, prying me back enough so he can look at me. His brows are drawn tight, his eyes sharp.
"What do you mean it’s fine?" His voice rises, thick with frustration.
"It’s not fine, Ciel. It’s not. I broke your trust—with someone close to you. That’s not something you just brush off."
"It’s not like that," I say.
Jack freezes. His brows pinch tighter. "What?" His voice is genuinely confused now, the anger bleeding into bewilderment.
"I knew, okay?" I blurt. My heart’s racing, but I force myself to keep my tone level. "And I asked him to."
***
Jack
This is... not what I thought would happen when I broached this subject.
I spent all last night, all day today, terrified to bring it up.
Afraid I was going to lose him.
"What do you mean, you knew?" I manage, my voice sounding foreign to my own ears.
"Yeah, it was pretty obvious." Ciel shrugs, like we’re talking about me sneaking snacks out of the fridge and not me almost crossing a line with his best friend.
I blink at him. "Pretty obvious?"
"Yes." He shifts his weight, eyes steady on mine.
"I’m not very smart, my head is often in the clouds, but I recognize lust." His voice is calm, but the way it lands makes me flinch.
"God, I’m so sorry," I blurt, pulling my hands away from him, feeling like the worst human being on this planet. I probably am.
"It’s fine, really." He says it lightly, but there’s something taut under the words.
"Nolan and I have come to an agreement." He adds on, almost like he’s telling me about groceries instead of upending my sanity.
My stomach drops. "What kind of agreement?" I ask, my voice sharpening, eyes narrowing on him.
He avoids my gaze, which makes my chest tighten even more.
"Ciel," I say, warning.
"Fine." He exhales, golden eyes flicking back to mine. "Since I can’t sleep with you—" his voice hitches on the words, "I’m still not ready to cross that line. I don’t think I’ll ever be."
My heart squeezes. "Ciel..."
He presses on quickly, like if he stops, he’ll lose his nerve. "I don’t want you waiting for me forever, Jack. And I don’t want to lose what we have, this home, this family. So if Nolan—" he stops, swallows hard.
"If Nolan can give you what I can’t, at least it’s... it’s someone I trust. Someone who won’t hurt you or me."
I stare at him, completely still. It takes me a second to realize my hands are shaking. "You’re serious," I say quietly.
"Do I look like I’m joking?" he whispers.
"Ciel..." My voice softens as I pull him into me, arms wrapping around his shoulders. He stiffens for a heartbeat, then leans in.
"You can’t do something like that," I murmur into his hair. "Besides, I love you. It’s fine if we don’t go all the way. There are a hundred ways to have pleasure apart of from penetrative sex Sunshine. I’m not here for just your body."
"I know," he says, voice low. "But surely you want to."
"Of course I want to." I pull back enough to meet his eyes.
"I love you. But I’m telling you I’m fine either way. I don’t want someone else as a replacement for you."
He swallows hard, eyes flicking away. "It’s not someone else. It’s Nolan. Besides... you want him too."
I sigh, dragging a hand through my hair. "Yeah, but that’s different. And you know it." My voice goes softer.
"Don’t you think you’re being unfair to him? Ciel, I don’t know all the details, but Nolan has given you everything your whole lives. You can’t expect him to be my... sexual outlet."
"I know." His tone is defensive, brittle. "And it’s not like that."
"Isn’t it?" I ask gently.